Deedee glanced around the table. “Why is everyone trying to get rid of me?”
“What do you think?” Her brother’s voice sounded the same as that of her late father. A man who never wanted a daughter and did everything to convince her that she was despised. Unwanted and alive only by his grace. For his ‘goodness’ she should have shown her gratitude in every conceivable way. Again and again and again. Every minute of the day she fought to forget him. What happened that changed her brother so suddenly? In spite of her father, she had always loved the boy, defended him and taken the blows for his rash behaviour.
The others did not say a word. It was not that they were ignoring her, but the anxiety was palpable. The air was permeated with fear.
“Mother?”
Her mother didn’t look up when she looked at her questioningly and bravely tried to ignore her angry brother.
“Mother, please tell me what is going on?” She grabbed her mother’s hand and had no intention of letting go until she had an answer.
The rest of the family remained silent.
This was exactly how it had always been when he was alive, she thought, as a cold shiver ran down her spine.
“Mother,” she whispered, “why does everyone always want to get rid of me? What have I done to deserve this? Haven’t I always been there for you?”
For a moment she thought her mother would look at her, lifted her head to answer. At the same moment, her brother grabbed her in her neck and dragged her from the table.
“I won’t say it again. Pack your bags and leave! You are no longer welcome here.”
“Mother!”
“Max, don’t go out there!” roared my brother from downstairs.
Why my mother kept silent, kept silent again, escaped me. What had I done wrong? My head was spinning with questions, unanswered questions. I still felt my brother’s fingers squeezing my neck when he threw me out into the corridor and slammed the door. I was halfway up the stairs when I heard my brother roaring from the dining room. He had been clear. I was no longer welcome in my mother’s house, my home in which he was suddenly in charge and dominated mother. Did I still feel something for her? How long had it been since she had hugged me, kissed me or said something friendly? I stood indecisively in front of the wardrobe. I did not know where to go and one thing was certain: I could never take all my belongings with me.
“Deedee?”
I hadn’t even heard my room door open but suddenly Max stood next to me.
“Deedee, you can come and live with me for as long as you like. Let me help you.
She put a duffel bag in my hand. This is for your clothes, pack everything you love in your suitcase. We have to hurry, you know how he is.”
“What happened? What did I do?”
“Later,” Max said, as she hurriedly emptied my dressing table and threw my old teddy bear into the suitcase. “Not everyone wants to get rid of you don’t think that. I know what you did.”
I stared at her and saw how she bit her lip as a tear slid down her cheek.
“Quick, get your clothes, which books do you want to take? You know that if we leave here, neither of us will be welcome here ever again.”
“Did mother say that?”
“No, you know she never says anything. Not then, not now.”
“Max? Did you say something to him?”
She shook her head violently. “You are my sister, I would never do such a thing. Ready?”
“Just my shoes, coat and…”
I lifted my mattress to get the file I had put underneath it. It was gone. Startled, I stared at the slatted floor. With the disappearance of the dossier, all my hope vanished at once. Who would believe me now?
“We have to go now,” Max whispered. She sounded nervous and it was clear that she did not want to wait any longer.
“It’s gone,” I whispered, “how can it be gone?” Fierce I pulled the sheets off the bed and tipped the mattress over against the wall.
“Come on,” begged Max as she dragged the duffel bag and suitcase to the door, “it’ll be all right I told you I know what happened.”
I had great difficulty in holding back the tears of frustration but I had to. I would take my last steps in this house with my head held high, except for Max, I had no family left.
“It’s not far,” Max said and I followed her without answering while lugging the duffel bag along, “the car is parked a bit further. Her eyes narrowed.
Sun in the eyes, even as a toddler she had not been able to stand it.
“Here.” I handed her the sunglasses I kept in my coat’s pocket. She smiled gratefully and gestured to a man, unknown to me, who was waiting by a van.
“Don’t worry, it will be all right. He thinks he knows everything but without this, he has no proof.”
She opened her coat a little and tapped at my file hidden under it. “I saw him reading it after I left the dining room I grabbed it from his desk.”
“Where are we going,” I liked to know.
“Home, a new home. He doesn’t know I keep this one. You’ll be safe and if you want I’ll help you look for the child he took from you.”
I swallowed and thought of the lost time, of all the years I had spent twisting and turning to be liked. I had done my utmost. Mother had ignored what happened. What he had done to her to me until he came for Max and took the child from me.
“Mother knew,” I said and there was nothing more to say. Mother knew and had realized what was coming. In a house where a crime was committed every day, a new criminal is born easier. What Max didn’t know was that the child, my child born out of crime, was no longer alive. He had thrown it to the pigs with the words “another useless girl”. He had not noticed how I grabbed the axe and hit. I split his skull from behind with the axe mother hid afterwards. Mother had done nothing to prevent it, never prevented anything. To my brother, I would always be the rapist and murderer of our ‘poor’ dad. A father who deserved better than a bunch of ungrateful daughters.
WakeUpKitty 